Padres to Beat Marlins? Maybe? Just a smidge of a chance possibly? Depressing state of affairs.

So Padres nation seems to be pretty beaten down lately.  And can you blame them?  This team is abysmal to watch.  Yeah, the pitching is good, and yeah, real baseball fans should like close, well pitched games.  But 2-1 games aren't quite as fun a) when your team is the one that scored 1, and b) when you seriously question your team's ability to ever score more than 1.  @bcline760 has helpfully been translating the lineup card the past couple games into a stats lineup card:

 That line up is horrendous.  The first week or so, I saw the so-called sensible bloggers and Tweeters pulling out the #SSS and the continuous snarky "it's a little early to get worried about the audience #snark #firstweek".  Well the whole #SSS thing is now a pretty big sample size.  Some would even say that we have a statistically significant sample to start making longer term judgements.  And that judgement is this is not a major league lineup.  I remember the media pointing out that last season's Marlins lineup sans Stanton during his injury was one of the worst major league lineups they've seen (Greg Dobbs at 1B anyone?).  This lineup is worse (and Yonder is worse than Greg Dobbs).  It is hard to win when your team is starting 4 players with sub .200 averages and your team has pretty much no power. 

The bigger issues are related to how long they can keep pushing those guys out there.  I mean, at this point, would the team be that much worse trying out Francoeur in RF?  To some degree, the team put it's money behind Venable and Gyorko with extensions, and it's biggest trade to date was to acquire Grandal and putrid Yonder Alonso, so it's tough for Byrnes to admit that he totally screwed up and is sending them down to the minors/benching them/releasing them/sending them to Abu Dhabi in an adorable box with Nermal.  Him acknowledging his errors is akin to him getting shoved out the door here, so don't expect to hear him on 1090 admitting them. 

I'm not sure where this team can go at this point.  The TV team and radio team keep hyping Carlos Quentin's return like he's Roger Maris in 1961.  He's not.  He's an above average hitter with a little pop, but he's no Jose Abreu, and doesn't have the skills to carry this team on his shoulders (especially considering he only plays 2 out of 3 games when healthy). 

Get used to more 2-1, 3-1 games that go to extra innings, this team's offense is not going to light it up.  And playing Jose Fernandez tonight won't help.  But hey, at least they cut the price on the Cardiff Crack sandwich, right?  And beer!  That's where this team's management focus is, and likely will continue to be the focus in the near future. 

Degarfinkelization: Why Can't We Keep The Good Stuff?

I don't think there's many Padres fans that think the Jeff Moorad regime was a great ownership group.  The team certainly didn't thrive under them, and Moorad oversaw the great Fox Sports San Diego fleecing of the team when he took hundreds of millions in advance money when selling the team for a big profit.  The opinions on his head marketing guy, Tom Garfinkel, are mixed.  Many blame him for the more recent uber-mediocre teams, but let's remember, he was a marketing guy that was thrust into the position of Team President because no one else was around to take the job.  People also forget that going to Petco Park was an overall mediocre gameday experience before Garfinkel sunk his claws into things.  Remember the days when the Toyota Terrace was closed to the public in a pathetic attempt to make loge seating seem exclusive?  Regardless of the good/bad you think are attributed to Tom Garfinkel, he's gone now, and much of his work is left behind.  Or at least was left behind.  While no official announcements were made, the Mike Dee/Wayne Partello marketing team has started a policy of Degarfinkelization of Petco Park, removing and ending many of the programs Garfinkel put in place.  While Dee/Partello (Deetello) have done a lot of good in terms of bringing in new vendors, running good promotions like the Swing for Your Seats campaign, extended giveaway nights to all in attendance, and starting new TV initiatives like Padres Social Hour, they have also reportedly been Degarfinkelizing programs for the sole purpose of removing the last vestiges of what the previous regime had in place. 

Padres Trail did a great job of detailing the quiet removal of the Padres military logo from merchandise (although we saw this week that the team is using it for certain in-game promotions on the scoreboard).  It wasn't a huge surprise for anyone that went to Fanfest as the team was blowing out anything with the military logo for $10-$20 including $100+ jackets.  This was a shame as the logo celebrated Navy tradition, and as much as the Padres try to ignore the local Navy presence and continually celebrate the Marines, the Navy is the core of the San Diego military community.  It was also a rad logo, that among the back the brown brigade, was one of the few instances of acceptable blue Padres wear.  As Padres Trail reported, "He [Padres store employee] implied that because the logo was a Tom Garfinkel initiative it had fallen out of favor."  Very petty reason to get rid of such a noble effort.

There are two other Degarfinkelization initiatives that have raised my ire in the past few weeks as well.  As I mentioned in my Secrets From the Ushers post, the team has quietly eliminated Breakfast at the Park.  I know we all had a good guffaw about Garfinkel's Breakfasttown USA comments, but for anyone that actually went to Breakfast at the Park, it was pretty cool.  Similar to Swing For Your Seats, it's really awesome to just step foot on the field.  It was even cooler to combine this with eating bacon and pancakes and having players playing catch 20 feet from you.  As a season ticket holder, it was always an awesome perk to be able to email your sales rep and get reservations for breakfast.  With family in town last weekend, it was the perfect opportunity to take them to a unique on-field experience and catch a game afterwards.  Unfortunately, after hearing from the ushers that it was done for, I canceled plans of attending that game as sans breakfast, it was a tougher sell for my sports-gene challenged family.  As the ushers told me, employee participation and thus labor costs were minimal to run Breakfast at the Park.  There was always demand, as there was always a long line for tables on Sunday mornings.  Even as a break even activity, it added value to season ticket holders packages, and really, just added a unique opportunity to build bonds with the team.  The ushers believed new management believed this was one of Garfinkel's signature gameday experience programs, and that that was the reason why it was eliminated. 

The other Degarfinkelization program cancellation is apparently the away game viewing at Park at the Park.  Garfinkel opened up the Park at the Park for every away game and showed the game on the jumbotron.  I saw on the Tweeter that this effort was no more.  This is a shame, as the cost to the Padres was minimal.  I can vouch that it was awesome to eat your lunch during day games and watch the game at the Park at the Park.  A lot of memories were made at these Away games at the park, and for something that doesn't cost much if anything, it seems petty to get rid of it in an effort to wash their hands of Garfinkelism. 

Look, I get it, new management team comes in and wants to create their own signature programs.  But most of us can agree that not everything that happened under the Moorad/Garfinkel regime was bad.  There's no reason to get rid of programs that were popular just because Garfinkel put them in place.  Hopefully Deetello can reconsider and give these Garfinkel initiatives new life.  Maybe sell craft beer at them, their #1 focus this season seems to be to maximize beer sales revenue anyways. 

Padres Mobile Tickets Are Hindenburgesque Disaster

While the Padres brass has been rolling out the red carpet for local bloggers and media the past few days, it's most loyal customers have been dealing with the worst new Padres customer service initiative in years: mobile smartphone tickets.  The Padres are making a big push into new, non paper tickets.  The headliner is the new Padres membership card that uses RFID or NFC or something to act as a swop able ticket, an ID identifying you as a member/STH, and as a method of payment at concessions.  This works perfectly, and the team should be commended for this.  Unfortunately, the other big initiative was mobile ticketing.  The idea was that you could just load your ticket in your mobile browser and show it to gain entry.  On iPhones, you could even add your ticket to Passbook.  So it sounds great.

Flash forward to the opening series and those that were advised by their ticket reps to give the mobile tickets a try were in for a rude awakening.  After waiting in line to get to the turnstile, the mobile tickets were turned away at the gate.  Apparently, the mobile ticket only entitles the ticket holder to then get in line for the box office where they can show the mobile ticket at the window and have a paper ticket printed for them. So basically, using the mobile ticket involves more steps than even buying a ticket on gameday from the box office.  Not my idea of convenience.  Throw in opening night/day crowds and lines, and season ticket holders missed several innings dealing with this new "convenience".  Talking with three separate members that ran into issues, they were fuming.  Their sales reps were the ones advising and hyping the new mobile tickets which ended up creating frustration and substantial portions of the game missed.  It's a great idea with just laughable execution.  

Hopefully Wayne Partello, Mike Dee and the Padres take this problem involving their most loyal customers as seriously as they take wining and dining the San Diego media and blogosphere in exchange for positive coverage.

Conspiracy Theory - Padres, Time Warner and Fox Sports San Diego's Convenient Deal

I caught up on the past couple episodes of the fantastic Padres and Pints podcast yesterday on my run and thought the discussion of the new Time Warner/FSSD deal was fascinating.  It got me thinking about how the deal got done, and why it got done now.  After all, it's not like Tom Garfinkel and Jeff Moorad didn't want to sign a deal with Time Warner.  More subscribers equals more exposure to the team, and let's not forget that the Padres own 20% of FSSD, so more subscribers equals more profit for the team.  I'd seen Garfinkel on several occasions make the common sense argument that FSSD was asking for no more from Time Warner than what they agreed to with Cox, AT&T, DirecTV and Dish - that the asking price was by definition, the prevailing market rate for the network.  From what I heard, I don't think the team or the network (remember, they are one and the same ownership wise) was budging from that demand as it would be unfair to their other cable provider customers.  On the other hand, Time Warner thought this "prevailing market rate" was unreasonably high, hence their refusal to pay it and carry FSSD the past two seasons.  Classic stalemate.  So what changed?  And with nearly universal celebration over the deal, did the jubilation cover up the potential downsides of this deal?

Granted new ownership and management rolled into Petco with Mike Dee taking the reins.  Within a few months, the deal is struck and Time Warner now carries FSSD.  The press releases offered very little on the negotiation details, but it was stated that Time Warner signed a "reasonable" long term deal.  It should be noted that the deal that led to the creation of Fox Sports San Diego is promising the Padres what has been estimated to start at $28 million and escalate to about $75 million in the 20th and final year.  Here are my questions:

1. Does anyone really think Time Warner, after stiff-arming FSSD for 2 years, losing face with their customers that care about the Padres, and damaging their local brand just gave up on their demands on FSSD carriage at less than what Cox, DirecTV, etc. paid?

2.  After considering #1, it seems to fair to assume that either Time Warner is paying less than the other carriers, or the Padres sweetened the deal with some type of unannounced payment/benefit/consideration that made the deal worthwhile to Time Warner, yes?

3.  If Time Warner is paying less or receiving more than Cox, DirecTV, Dish, etc., then is it fair to assume that those partners will dig their heels in come renewal time for lower carriage rates?

4.  If all other partners start negotiating the carrier fees lower and lower, then wouldn't the Padres receive less money from the deal via carrier fees, lower the value of their ownership stake in FSSD, and lower their expected income from the network in the out years starting now? 

5.  Did Mike Dee and current management have incentive to just make a deal to show that the new ownership group cared about the fans? 

I think it is somewhat likely that this Time Warner deal will lead to future contracts with the other cable/satellite providers to be negotiated lower, or to potentially turn into acrimonious, Time Warner-esque standoffs due to negotiations.  I don't care if the Padres don't turn as much of a profit as projected except for the fact that it has a very direct impact on their bottom line, and thus their payroll, and thus their ability to put a winning team on the field.  Obviously, I don't expect the Padres, Time Warner or FSSD to publicly disclose the proprietary details of the deal, but I'm not sure that getting Time Warner on board at any cost is good for the team's future, and I live in stupid Time Warner territory up here in Encinitas (of course I have made use of my proven techniques to get Padres games via iPad and MLB At Bat app)

Cut the cord? Here's how to bypass MLB.TV blackout restrictions and get the Padres games

So great news on the TV front for Padres fans this season, right?  Stupid jerkfaces Time Warner are finally carrying Fox Sports San Diego so all these new areas of the county can see the Padres games.  Unfortunately, this doesn't 100% solve the problem.  When I first moved back to San Diego two seasons ago, I moved back with only what would fit into my 2 seat convertible with no trunk.  So pretty much clothes, computer and XBox 360.  All of the rest of our stuff was staying in DC until we could get my wife's job transfer to here in place.  Wanting to keep the spartan living conditions thing going, I opted to get a 20 game season ticket package and MLB.TV instead of cable.  This sounds great, but then I realized that I'm in the home territory of the Padres.  That means all of the games are totally blacked out - THANKS SELIG.  So I started brainstorming.  There are all kinds of options online, mainly subscribing to a VPN or a proxy to change your IP address.  This is all well and good if you are accessing the games on a computer, but I've got an iPhone and an iPad that I wanted to use to send the games to my 60" TV via Apple TV.  With how locked down Apple has these devices, it's pretty impossible to use a VPN/proxy with the At Bat app.  Luckily, I found a simple solution that I will unveil to all of the MS Paint dong loving readers of this blog.

Here's the step by step:

1.  Jailbreak your device.  This is easy.  Like you literally just plug in your iPad or iPhone into the computer, go to http://evasi0n.com/, follow the instructions, and jailbreak your device.  It's so easy a cripple could do it.

2.  Open up Cydia.  Cydia is, of course, the app store for jailbreak apps that gets installed during the jailbreak process. 

3.  Search for Fake GPS.  So quick background on how the At Bat apps determine your location.  On your computer, MLB.tv is using your IP address to determine where you are when it spots that you're in Padres territory.  That's why a proxy server in, say, Massachusetts, tricks MLB.tv into thinking you are in Boston.  On the iPhone/iPad app, the At Bat app is using location data, or more specifically, your GPS location.  Luckily, the creators of Fake GPS (there are other apps you could try too, Location Spoofer, LocationHolic, FakeLocation, etc.) have made an app that with a simple tap on a map, will report that your location is elsewhere.  So the Padres are playing the Cardinals at home?  Just tap that you're in Florida (If you locate in the Cardinals territory in this example, the At Bat app will black you out thinking you are trying to watch your home Cardinals in your home in Missouri). 

4.  Give it a minute or so, then open At Bat and load your game. Voila!  Sometimes it would get finicky and I'd have to close the app completely and restart a few times, but I'd always get my game after a minute or so.  Other times, it works perfectly on the first try. 

5.  That's it.  Now for you cord cutters, you can just subscribe to MLB.TV Premium for $129 and get the full season of the Padres games on your TV (assuming you get the HDMI cable or Apple TV). 

State of the Padres Blogosphere

When I was living on the East Coast for a decade, I became so desperate for Padres baseball that I started Alta Vista-ing some of those newfangled weblogs that were marginally covering the Padres.  Over time, blogs started maturing, gaining followings, and finally, last season, really getting the attention of the team.  I still remember how excited I got when I discovered Gaslamp Ball and could watch the Rally Unicorn (TM) do it's magic to help the Padres win, when I found The Sacrifice Bunt and could read Melvin's in depth articles on Padres statistical minutiae, or when I found Geoff Young's writing on mid 90's Padres obscure players and Steve Poltz (which convinced me to buy each version of the Ducksnorts Annual).  Basically, I could watch Baseball Tonight for an hour and catch 15 seconds of Padres highlights in the last 2 minutes of the broadcast, or I could start reading Padres blogs. 

Anyways, it's a totally different world now.  Blogs are pulling in many thousands of readers a day, or in the case of Padres Jagoff, many ones of readers a day.  Gaslamp Ball is part of the ubiquitous big business of SB Nation, Friarhood is producing and selling a number of awesome shirts to go along with in depth coverage, and a collection of smaller Padres blogs entered into a joint venture that resulted in Padres Public.  Seriously, who could have guessed that mergers and acquisitions plus joint ventures would be a part of the Padres blogosphere.  The Padres had always thrown a few bones to the larger blogs, maybe at least acknowledging they existed and occasionally granting some short interviews.  Tom Garfinkel did a great job of at least trying the social media thing, occasionally tossing out some seat upgrades via the Tweeter.  But last season, it seemed like Garfinkel's last hurrah was to really try and embrace the bloggers.  The team and their new TV partner, Fox Sports San Diego, really started pushing the social media thing.  Whether this was an initiative created by Garfinkel and his office, or from some lame consultants that told the Padres they needed to embrace the hot new buzzwords like social media, at least it happened. 

While much of the Padres social media initiative involved either Padres Public and Gaslamp Ball, it was nice to see the blogging community recognized.  In Spring Training, FSSD had a handful of bloggers provide color commentary (Mike Dee, I will literally fellate you if you select me for this this season.  AND SWALLOW) for an inning at a game.  FSSD also started featuring Social Media Tuesday which basically just involved a lame Twitter poll and a couple Tweets shown at the end of the game.  The Padres Social Media Night has been an annual occurrence, and 2013's was fantastic, offering many of us the last chance to meet the great Jerry Coleman before his sad passing. 

In addition to the Padres' efforts, I think many of the blogs have done such a great job that the bloggers, for me, are almost as famous as the players on the field.  When I'm walking the Petco corridors and run into Jbox, Rick from RJ's Fro or Sac Bunt Melvin, I feel like I should pull out a baseball and get their autographs.  God knows what I'd do if I ever met Dex.  Meeting Dex would be like the equivalent of pulling a super rare, limited edition hand signed baseball card out of a pack.  THAT'S SCARCE!  Padres Public's Padres and Pints has brought in local TV celebs and made the Padres Public dudes into multimedia stars (invite me on!  I like binge drinking and Padres!).  

Looking at 2014, I expect more of the same.  The only question is if the Mike Dee regime will value the bloggers as much as Tom Garfinkel.  So far, I haven't seen any evidence of outreach other than converting the terrible suite off the Padres store that rarely got bought into a Social Media Lounge for FSSD.  The big question is if Mike Dee sees value in reaching out to the blogs, although I will note that he has already responded to two Padres Jagoff tweets.  HE KNOWS I EXIST!  Garfinkel pretty much ignored everything I sent to him, even legitimate season ticket holder issues (except for the time I tweeted that the 1998 Reunion Night game could use more Third Eye Blind - he agreed and then didn't put on any Third Eye Blind). 

Thanks to my 3 week old baby girl, I had to skip out of Padres Fanfest before the partying began, but I heard the Friarhood and Padres Public meetups were awesome.  Luckily, with my plan to drag the girl to a ton of games this year, I'll be able to crush some Sculpins at Petco with an Ergobaby on and hopefully meet up with some of the blog superstars.  Here's my look at the current 2014 Padres Blogger Power Rankings:

1.  Gaslamp Ball - It's tough to beat the 500 lb. behemoth.  They've got the backing of the largest sports blog network, a collection of writers across the country, and like 10 years of history.  Plus who doesn't enjoy thethingwynn's Padres
baseball card coverage.

2.  Padres Public - Combining the various niche Padres bloggers into one SUPER BLOG (similar to 80's SUPER BAND Asia) was genius.  The Padres slurped this up and made Padres Public the darling of their social media marketing efforts. 

3.  Friarhood - Steve Adler has put out some awesome clothing that I see all over Petco.  I'd consider rating the Friarhood higher, but his articles don't show up on my iPhone.  They don't format for mobile and I don't feel like zooming in on my phone and panning the screen for every line.  What I've seen is great, but I just don't read articles on my computer that often. 

4. Corey Brock - The official Padres blogger.  Writes great articles, has great articles, but is a company man putting out the company line.

5.  @padres2014 - Not a blog, but your #1 source for Padres puns during games on the Tweeter.  Great one liners.

6-1008.  Everyone else.

1009.  Padres Jagoff - Obvious Reasons.  Dongs.  Padres.  MS Paint.

Tim Lincecum is Still A Zilch

I had the pleasure of checking out AT&T Park a couple months ago for a Giants-Reds game.  Tim Lincecum started and gave up 7 runs in the first two innings.  It made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.  Today he starts against the Padres for a glorious 3:40 game (Mike Dees, more if these, less of the 12:40 games.  Also, more brown).  Since I've been in Baja on vacation, I'm pleased to see the Padres taking a firm hold of 4th place.  Small victories!  Very small.  

The Diamondbacks are Stupid Jerks

After devoting four hours to watching the game last night, even after forgetting to summon the Rally Unicorn, the Padres played as if the spirit of the treasured Rally Unicorn was within them all.  Coming back twice to force extra innings, my thoughts were "HOW COULD THEY LOSE?!?!!".  The game was in the bag.  Then I got sleepy and fell asleep in the 10th.  When I woke up this morning, I grabbed my phone, checked the score, and let out a hearty sigh of dissatisfaction.

 Well, tonight's another night.  A night filled with hope.  A night filled with possible disappointment and resentment.  But at least we get to see Robby Erlin throw a great game and then get sent back down to the minors as a reward again.  Here's a great pic of Nick Hundley farthammering the D-backs:

Jeff Samardzija? More like Jeff Bukkakezija! AMIRITE?!?!

Even though he's been the one consistent pitcher on both of my fantasy teams, Jeff Samardzija is in for a world of hurt tonight against the "potent" padres lineup.  Plus free hats tonight!

Here's Jeff engaging in lewd activity.  Special thanks to @CT2SD for the graphic.

AJ Burnett + Dongs = Sticky Mess

After last nights incredibly boring loss to the stupid fartface Pirates, I was at least able to revel in the fact that it was quick and under three hours.  The worst games are the ones where it's cold and  the Padres have no offense and certain slow pitchers are starting (cough, Edinson Volquez, cough).  

Tonight the Padres go against hated pitcher and noted puppy hater AJ Burnett.  AJ was responsible for the least dominating no hitter in history versus the Padres to be quickly followed that season by the second most underwhelming no hitter by the Cardinals Bud Smith.  Let's hope for more underwhelmingness and less no-hitting.  Unless its no-hitting by Tyson Ross.  Then it's OK.

Here's AJ Burnett enjoying a nice dong:

Padres Face Off Against Hardened Criminal Mike Leake

After a thrilling series victory over the hated D-backs, the Padres FINALLY come home to crush the Reds.  I don't have any strong feelings against the Reds but I do hope the Padres eviscerate them and then defecate on their lifeless bodies.  Go Padres!

Pitching for the Reds tonight is noted felon Mike Leake who enjoys shoplifting in his spare time.  The Padres Jagoff team caught him in the act in quite possibly the masterwork of my dick drawing career.  Also, lets hope for a win, but as a consolation if the Padres are losing, I drew an updated Rally Unicorn to be deployed against the dumb Reds.

Keep the Winning Going

After an awesome time at the Padres Social Media night, I got too lazy to write a nice wrap up.  I'll get it tomorrow.  Maybe.  Regardless, it was a pleasure to meet the whole Padres Public crew, Friarhood Steve, Jbox and Jon from Gaslamp Ball, and the random Asian guy in a Gwynn jersey who I accused of being Dex.  THAT'S RAYCESS!  Instead of writing that wrap-up, I drew this picture of Kyle Blanks beheading Michael Cuddyer before the Padres get up to a TWO game winning streak tonight.  Andrew Cashner is pitching so we can expect much deer dressing. 

So Much Free Baseball - Padres lead assault against Canada

I can proudly say I stayed up to see the end of the game last night.  All 18 innings or whatever.  I might have dozed off for a half inning of Tim Stauffer pitching, I can't be sure.  But I made it.  The best part was that Clayton Richard finally found his hopefully permanent spot in the bullpen, meaning I get to see Robbie Erlin pitch at Petco tonight.  Well that was a good part, the actual best part was when Jesus Guzman was about to get drenched with frigid ice water by Everth Cabrera, grabbed Kelli Crull, and used her as a perfect human shield so he could remain relatively dry before accepting his free certificate from Robbins Family Jewelers later.  What a guy! 

Tonight we continue our relentless assault against the hordes of canucks that are invading dear Petco.  I'll be there crushing beers in 305. 

Here is last night's greatest moment captured.

Nightmare Before Strasmas

Living in DC for a long time, I had first hand observation of the Strasburg hype once he hit the majors.  Strasmas as it was known.  One Tommy John surgery later, Strasburg isn't throwing in 3 digits anymore and he looks a lot more mortal this year.  Perfect for the POWERFUL Padres offense to pummel him tonight, which Padres Jagoff will be attending to witness the carnage in person.

It should be discussed how awesome the Padres offense is looking right now.  All of the bit pieces are contributing, and even without Carlos Quentin really providing much of anything, they are producing runs. At what point will Bud realize that Kyle Blanks will hit and field better than Quentin?  I understand we need an enforcer for brawls, but can't Carlos handle this duty from the dugout?  FREE KYLE BLANKS!

Padres to Continue Beat Down of America's Worst City

Baltimore is a terrible city.  Like really terrible.  It's not just the slums that The Wire show.  It's not the fact that if you walk 3 blocks off of the Inner Harbor you are liable to be knifed.  It's the terrible native Baltimoreans that truly believe their city is a great city - the greatest city.  Their slogan is "the city that reads".  BIG DEAL BALTIMORE!  We are America's Finest City.  With or without stupid reading.  People in Baltimore talk your ear off about how great Natty Boh beer and Utz chips are.  NEITHER ARE MADE IN BALTIMORE.  They aren't even made in Maryland.  Natty Boh is brewed in North Carolina and trucked into Baltimore so their 12 IQ residents can enjoy that swill.  Just a terrible place. 

Anyways, the Padres are set to thoroughly crush the stupid Orioles in their stupid stadium.  And it's a morning game!  The best kind because that means I can ignore my job and listen to the game. 

Norfmania

With Norf-mania sweeping San Diego, what better way to celebrate the Norf than by rehashing an old MS Paint bit from last season. Get it? Norf is firing off some super poops at the Marlins. Pew pew pew!

Cody Ransom is a Jerk

Not that I was ever hopeful for him succeeding on the Padres, but Cody Ransom did his best to make us Padres fans miss him. This, he was a shoo in for the Padres Jagoff treatment today. Edison Volquez is pitching tonight so it will be a good chance to break out the high gravity brews. Lets hope for some situational hitting that's slightly better than abysmal.

Padres Face Off Against Jeff Samardzinotgonnaworkhereanymore

After a glorious sweep of the poo poo Giants, the Padres head out to Chicago to face the hated Cubs. We can look forward to Kyle Blanks hitting infinity home runs off of the Cubs pitiful pitching staff. Here's Jeff Samardzija showing that his skills as catcher greatly outdo his skills as pitcher.

Super Cheater Ryan Braun in Town to be Pummeled

Ryan Braun doesn't get enough booing for how big of a steroid using, loophole using cheater that he is.  Luckily, we have our chance tonight against the hated Brewers.  Let's hope it goes better than last season when Braun hit 3 steroid aided bombs in a game against the Padres.  Let's also hope that the Padres score at least A SINGLE run this series. 

Realistically, how can the Padres NOT sweep the Giants? Also, Madison Bumgarner is a butthead.

After a crushing sweep of the terrible Doyers, the Padres get ready to pound the stupid fartface Giants.  Clouded by controversy the past few weeks, the Padres are sending Edinson Volquez to the mound who really couldn't be any worse than he has been so far this season, so there's that to look forward to.  They are facing awful Madison Bumgarner, who was captured here in an off the record convo with Tim Lincecum: