The Diamondbacks are Stupid Jerks

After devoting four hours to watching the game last night, even after forgetting to summon the Rally Unicorn, the Padres played as if the spirit of the treasured Rally Unicorn was within them all.  Coming back twice to force extra innings, my thoughts were "HOW COULD THEY LOSE?!?!!".  The game was in the bag.  Then I got sleepy and fell asleep in the 10th.  When I woke up this morning, I grabbed my phone, checked the score, and let out a hearty sigh of dissatisfaction.

 Well, tonight's another night.  A night filled with hope.  A night filled with possible disappointment and resentment.  But at least we get to see Robby Erlin throw a great game and then get sent back down to the minors as a reward again.  Here's a great pic of Nick Hundley farthammering the D-backs:

Jeff Samardzija? More like Jeff Bukkakezija! AMIRITE?!?!

Even though he's been the one consistent pitcher on both of my fantasy teams, Jeff Samardzija is in for a world of hurt tonight against the "potent" padres lineup.  Plus free hats tonight!

Here's Jeff engaging in lewd activity.  Special thanks to @CT2SD for the graphic.

AJ Burnett + Dongs = Sticky Mess

After last nights incredibly boring loss to the stupid fartface Pirates, I was at least able to revel in the fact that it was quick and under three hours.  The worst games are the ones where it's cold and  the Padres have no offense and certain slow pitchers are starting (cough, Edinson Volquez, cough).  

Tonight the Padres go against hated pitcher and noted puppy hater AJ Burnett.  AJ was responsible for the least dominating no hitter in history versus the Padres to be quickly followed that season by the second most underwhelming no hitter by the Cardinals Bud Smith.  Let's hope for more underwhelmingness and less no-hitting.  Unless its no-hitting by Tyson Ross.  Then it's OK.

Here's AJ Burnett enjoying a nice dong:

Man Do I Hate Baltimore

As I'm at the game today, I'm too lazy to write a full post recapping the epic Norf vs Deno Tweeter battle last night at the worlds most boring game.  

Instead, here's a pic of homoerotic banter with Jim Johnson:

Baltimore is a Horrible City: Part Deux

As we covered earlier this season, Baltimore is a league leader in the category of awfulness and despair.  A people ever so proud of their Utz chips and Natty Boh, both products that have fled Maryland to be produced in other states.  Their "BBQ", pit beef, is middling at best.  They have tried their best to legitimize lacrosse as a real sport due to their history of being awful at producing quality players in real sports.  Their accents are infuriating (it's water, not wutter).  Their delicacy is crab cakes; literally pulled sea insect meat mixed with mayo.  GOURMANDS!  Walk any direction from the outdoor mall that is the Inner Harbor and you hit the set of The Wire where you'll either get hassled by Bubbles for some cash or you'll get stabbed in the face by Snoop.  Either way, you don't win.  In short, Baltimore is the nations grundle.  Much like our trip to Baltimore, I very much expect the Padres to literally eviscerate the lowly Orioles.

Here's noted PED abuser Chris Davis showing his true colors:

Let's All Make A Big Deal About the Stupid Yankees!

So the Yankees are in town.  Great.  As a season ticket holder, I was mildly peeved that the Padres greedily moved my normal Saturday night game to Sunday, even though I chose the package specifically because I like going to Saturday night games.  C'est la vie, right pals?  I'm not even sure I would have gone though regardless.  I mean, I ended up trading my Sunday Yankees game tickets for some random weekend game, probably so I could get the free Padres luchador mask (which will be awesome).  Who wants to be in a stadium with 35,000 blowhard, awful, husky Yankees fans that smell like farts and like to sniff their own farts?  I certainly don't.  I don't even get the big deal.  So they are the Yankees, so what?  The Giants and Marlins have been more successful in recent years World Series title wise than the stupid Yankees.  Count me out of this series, although I'll almost definitely watch on TV. 

On another note, my season ticket invoice came to my house yesterday and ticket prices stayed the same.  Also they are now offering "concession discounts" next season.  Will this be paired with a 10% increase in beer prices next season which will be offset by my 10% "concession discount"? 

For now, noted competitive eater CC Sabathia is pitching for the stupid Yankees.  Here is with a rubber donger being flung his way: