Padres Beat Up on Dodgers JV Squad, Plan to Castrate Kershaw Tonight

After last night's thrilling victory over Edinson Volquez and the LA Doyers featuring one of the worst MLB lineups I've ever seen.  Tonight they face Clayton Kershaw who they will undoubtedly pummel, drown in a bathtub of urine, and then piss on his corpse, Tig style (SoA FTW).  Here's ol' Clayton enjoying a yummy snack!

Dodgers Are the Worst

We are hitting the home stretch in this epic battle for third place in the division.  Luckily the Doyers clinched last night so we don't have to watch stomp sandcastles in CF like evil Don Mattingly quipped.  Eddy Colquez is pitching so those of us at the game can look forward to a nice 4 hour game and multiple hat angles.  Here's Don Mattingly preparing to frot:

Tim Lincecum is Still A Zilch

I had the pleasure of checking out AT&T Park a couple months ago for a Giants-Reds game.  Tim Lincecum started and gave up 7 runs in the first two innings.  It made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.  Today he starts against the Padres for a glorious 3:40 game (Mike Dees, more if these, less of the 12:40 games.  Also, more brown).  Since I've been in Baja on vacation, I'm pleased to see the Padres taking a firm hold of 4th place.  Small victories!  Very small.  

The Diamondbacks are Stupid Jerks

After devoting four hours to watching the game last night, even after forgetting to summon the Rally Unicorn, the Padres played as if the spirit of the treasured Rally Unicorn was within them all.  Coming back twice to force extra innings, my thoughts were "HOW COULD THEY LOSE?!?!!".  The game was in the bag.  Then I got sleepy and fell asleep in the 10th.  When I woke up this morning, I grabbed my phone, checked the score, and let out a hearty sigh of dissatisfaction.

 Well, tonight's another night.  A night filled with hope.  A night filled with possible disappointment and resentment.  But at least we get to see Robby Erlin throw a great game and then get sent back down to the minors as a reward again.  Here's a great pic of Nick Hundley farthammering the D-backs:

Jeff Samardzija? More like Jeff Bukkakezija! AMIRITE?!?!

Even though he's been the one consistent pitcher on both of my fantasy teams, Jeff Samardzija is in for a world of hurt tonight against the "potent" padres lineup.  Plus free hats tonight!

Here's Jeff engaging in lewd activity.  Special thanks to @CT2SD for the graphic.

AJ Burnett + Dongs = Sticky Mess

After last nights incredibly boring loss to the stupid fartface Pirates, I was at least able to revel in the fact that it was quick and under three hours.  The worst games are the ones where it's cold and  the Padres have no offense and certain slow pitchers are starting (cough, Edinson Volquez, cough).  

Tonight the Padres go against hated pitcher and noted puppy hater AJ Burnett.  AJ was responsible for the least dominating no hitter in history versus the Padres to be quickly followed that season by the second most underwhelming no hitter by the Cardinals Bud Smith.  Let's hope for more underwhelmingness and less no-hitting.  Unless its no-hitting by Tyson Ross.  Then it's OK.

Here's AJ Burnett enjoying a nice dong:

Man Do I Hate Baltimore

As I'm at the game today, I'm too lazy to write a full post recapping the epic Norf vs Deno Tweeter battle last night at the worlds most boring game.  

Instead, here's a pic of homoerotic banter with Jim Johnson:

Baltimore is a Horrible City: Part Deux

As we covered earlier this season, Baltimore is a league leader in the category of awfulness and despair.  A people ever so proud of their Utz chips and Natty Boh, both products that have fled Maryland to be produced in other states.  Their "BBQ", pit beef, is middling at best.  They have tried their best to legitimize lacrosse as a real sport due to their history of being awful at producing quality players in real sports.  Their accents are infuriating (it's water, not wutter).  Their delicacy is crab cakes; literally pulled sea insect meat mixed with mayo.  GOURMANDS!  Walk any direction from the outdoor mall that is the Inner Harbor and you hit the set of The Wire where you'll either get hassled by Bubbles for some cash or you'll get stabbed in the face by Snoop.  Either way, you don't win.  In short, Baltimore is the nations grundle.  Much like our trip to Baltimore, I very much expect the Padres to literally eviscerate the lowly Orioles.

Here's noted PED abuser Chris Davis showing his true colors:

Let's All Make A Big Deal About the Stupid Yankees!

So the Yankees are in town.  Great.  As a season ticket holder, I was mildly peeved that the Padres greedily moved my normal Saturday night game to Sunday, even though I chose the package specifically because I like going to Saturday night games.  C'est la vie, right pals?  I'm not even sure I would have gone though regardless.  I mean, I ended up trading my Sunday Yankees game tickets for some random weekend game, probably so I could get the free Padres luchador mask (which will be awesome).  Who wants to be in a stadium with 35,000 blowhard, awful, husky Yankees fans that smell like farts and like to sniff their own farts?  I certainly don't.  I don't even get the big deal.  So they are the Yankees, so what?  The Giants and Marlins have been more successful in recent years World Series title wise than the stupid Yankees.  Count me out of this series, although I'll almost definitely watch on TV. 

On another note, my season ticket invoice came to my house yesterday and ticket prices stayed the same.  Also they are now offering "concession discounts" next season.  Will this be paired with a 10% increase in beer prices next season which will be offset by my 10% "concession discount"? 

For now, noted competitive eater CC Sabathia is pitching for the stupid Yankees.  Here is with a rubber donger being flung his way:

The Rally Unicorn Comes Through! The legend grows...

In an auspicious debut, the remorseless slaughtering machine Rally Unicorn (tm) came through in the clutch, rallying a Yonder Alonso lead off walk in the ninth, followed by a Denorfia two run game winning bomb.  While Norf should get some credit (I estimate 12-13% of the credit), the Rally Unicorn deserves the lions share of the glory for its brave and fearless rallying.  Cheers to you Rally Unicorn!  Lets hope the Padres don't need the Rally Unicorn tonight and just pummel Mat Latos.

Mat Latos seemed like a nice guy but now that he's on the Reds I can hope for him to be totally humiliated on the mound.  One plus, other than totally winning that trade, is that our announcers use the word "precocious" 99% less to describe our players.  Anyways, here's Mat getting jizzed on:

Padres Face Off Against Hardened Criminal Mike Leake

After a thrilling series victory over the hated D-backs, the Padres FINALLY come home to crush the Reds.  I don't have any strong feelings against the Reds but I do hope the Padres eviscerate them and then defecate on their lifeless bodies.  Go Padres!

Pitching for the Reds tonight is noted felon Mike Leake who enjoys shoplifting in his spare time.  The Padres Jagoff team caught him in the act in quite possibly the masterwork of my dick drawing career.  Also, lets hope for a win, but as a consolation if the Padres are losing, I drew an updated Rally Unicorn to be deployed against the dumb Reds.

Patrick Corbin is Overrated. Padres Go for Series Win.

Actually, I have no idea if Patrick Corbin is overrated.  He pretty easily dispatched the Padres last time he faced them.  Plus, he seems to pretty easily dispatch most of the league.  Regardless, we have new SECRET WEAPON Tyson Ross going today. His high 90's fastball is dazzling all of us.  Maybe once he decides to cut out 3-4 mph off his fastball and start hitting home runs like Andrew Cashner, we'll really be cooking with gas with him.  Or maybe he can just put it together.  Either way, I'd rather watch Tyson Ross than Jason Marquis pitch.

In the meantime, here's Patrick Corbin getting blasted in the face which of course he'll be doing metaphorically as well today by the deadly Padres lineup.  And keep an eye out for the reincarnated Rally Unicorn if the Padres need it today.  I mean, I hope they don't but I drew it as being Vs. Diamondbacks specific.  Just saying.

Skin the Diamondbacks

So last nights game against Randall Delgado didn't go according to plan.  Tonight will be different against stupid Tyler Skaggs. I'm hoping the Padres will be in position for a rally so I can do a big reveal of the prototype renewed Rally Unicorn (tm) I drew yesterday.  

In the meantime here's a great photo of Tyler Skaggs ball fondling Giants "great" Matt Williams.

After Summer Hiatus, Padres Jagoff is Back. AND Social Media Night Recap from 3 Weeks Ago.

After a brief summer hiatus, Padres Jagoff is back to provide plenty of dick pics.  A lot happened during the hiatus, including Padres Jagoff's big debut to the Padres blogosphere at Social Media Night.  It was a pleasure meeting the Padres Public crew, specifically Sacrifice Bunt Melvin.  I also may have accidentally stirred up some hard feelings by telling John Gennaro that I really liked him on the old Friarhood podcasts he did with Steve Adler I used to listen to while living in DC.  Apparently I missed some exciting Gennaro/Adler drama postgame.  Oh well.  Sac Bunt Melvin was surprised that I had been reading his stuff for years, apparently unaware of the complete dearth of Padres coverage while living on the east coast which would lead me to read any and all Padres blogs.  Super nice dude also.  One of the real highlights was meeting the legend himself, Jbox, of Gaslamp Ball fame.  I first accused Jon from Gaslamp Ball of being the secretive Jbox, because really, what do I know.  After vetting me first and running my credentials, Jon invited me over to Jbox's exclusive table to meet the godfather of Padres blogging.  After shaking hands and sharing a few yuks about dick jokes, chatting about the loss of the GLB mentor Tom Garfinkel, and lamenting the recent Padres struggles, we got into my push to bring back the Rally Unicorn (tm), which served as a rallying cry for Padres fans across the nation.  I discussed how the posting of the Rally Unicorn (tm) in the game chats on GLB would bring a tear to my eye back in the day and promised to draw up a prototype for the 2013 incarnation of the Rally Unicorn (tm).  I'll get to that sometime.  I also impressed Jbox with my story of walking up to the Asian guy with glasses in a Padres jersey at Social Media Night and thinking he was Dex.  THAT'S RAYCESS.  All in all, from the 6 minutes we chatted, I think Jbox and Padres Jagoff are well on our way to being best pals forever. 

After scouring the Padres blogs the next morning for Social Media Night recaps, I was thrilled to see Gaslamp Ball included a nice paragraph about our meeting, with a picture of my miniature dachshund pooping in front of the Rockies dugout during the doggy parade before the game.  Unfortunately, it appears that BIG SPORTS BLOG has forced GLB to remove all mention of Padres Jagoff and my prowess drawing genitalia in MS Paint.  The Man wins again.

Anyways, the Padres are winning kind of again.  It was only the Brewers, but we are headed into a tough stretch that will hopefully see the team at least hold their own.  Nothing would be better than pounding the stupid Yankees and their blowhard fans.  Tonight, the Padres are taking on poo poo Randall Delgado.  Here's a quick pic of his newest pitch - part javelin, part dildo, all business.

Keep the Winning Going

After an awesome time at the Padres Social Media night, I got too lazy to write a nice wrap up.  I'll get it tomorrow.  Maybe.  Regardless, it was a pleasure to meet the whole Padres Public crew, Friarhood Steve, Jbox and Jon from Gaslamp Ball, and the random Asian guy in a Gwynn jersey who I accused of being Dex.  THAT'S RAYCESS!  Instead of writing that wrap-up, I drew this picture of Kyle Blanks beheading Michael Cuddyer before the Padres get up to a TWO game winning streak tonight.  Andrew Cashner is pitching so we can expect much deer dressing. 

A New Padres Regime

When Tom Garfinkel took power, he was a complete opposite of the previous Alderson management regime.  Alderson was a baseball guy, trying to use his experience with Moneyball to build a quality product on the field for not much money.  His public interviews and image were gruff and standoffish, while the off field game experience was lackluster.  Garfinkel was a gameday experience kind of guy who got elevated to President.  He was a marketing guru with little to no baseball operations experience.  Predictably, the gameday experience is light years ahead of where it was under Alderson.  Garfinkel was accessible, responsive, social media savvy, and dare I say it, beloved by many fans.  I liked Garfinkel, but think his hiring by Moorad was indicative that that ownership group hoped to improve the gameday experience and take the focus off the minuscule budget and mediocre infield product.  After all, improving beer selection is a lot cheaper than signing a top free agent.  

The firing/resignation of Garfinkel is sad for many, especially the chosen bloggers that have been dining on the free bennies trough, but also by those that care about gameday experience.  It also builds hope that the pendulum might swing towards a new President that has a little more away over baseball operations, bringing more of a focus to this team winning.  I'd like to someone somewhere between Alderson and Garfinkel on the spectrum.  As far as specific hopes for the future, lets hope for:

1. A renewed focus on branding, specifically bringing back the brown.  Bringing back brown to the color scheme is critical for the Padres to differentiate themselves and build brand loyalty.

2.  Put Dick Enberg out to pasture.  Bring back Mel Proctor.  

3.  Don't allow Fowler to screw up the beer selection.

4.  Don't allow Fowler to screw up everything.

In the interim, I think we can all agree that Ron Fowler, on his first day on the job, is now the most unpopular team president in recent history.  

Let's Try Not To Get Blown Out Tonight

After last nights embarassing loss, I was reminded that there are not very many Padres fans in DC.  I counted 2 other Padres fans in the hoity toity PNC Diamond Club, although one middle aged Asian man in a Padres T-shirt was also shamefully wearing a Nationals hat also, so I'm not sure if he should be counted.  I counted one other Padres fan walking around the main concourse.  Oh well.  We will be proudly displaying our Padres gear at today's sweltering game to the other four Padres fans at the game.  Go Padres.

Here is Nationals brass and jerk fave Jordan Zimmermann frotting:

Bryce Harper in a Sticky Situation

After a totally crushing couple of weeks for the Padres, they head to DC to take on the overrated Nationals.  The Padres have an outstanding record historically at DC, which can only be helped by Padres Jagoff making a weekend of it and watching the series IN PERSON.  Everth is back which can only help, but we will miss the Pedro Ciriaco wordplay.  

Here's Bryce Harper with a huge dick, utilizing some cutting edge technology discovered by Padres Jagoff last night.

Kyle Blanks for Emperor

Last night was one of the best wins of the season, made better by the utter thrashing of noted zilch Jonathan Papelbon.  The spirit of the Rally Unicorn was strong in the 9th inning, and especially with Padres soon to be hall of famer Kyle Blanks crushing balls via bloop singles and grounders thrusting into holes (entendre!).  

Tonight staff ace Jason Marquis goes for his 10th win and Kyle Blanks goes for 18 home runs in a game.  Although, it would be such a Bud Black thing to do to sit Blanks for some stupid righty lefty matchup.

A Papelboner MS Paint drawing was too easy so here's a crowd pleasing Game of Thrones mash up:

Pedro Ciriaco to Hit for 2 Cycles Tonight Versus the Hated Doyers

After last night's thrilling win, made more thrilling by Huston Street's regularly expected putrid performance, the Padres are set to take on the Doyers best pitcher, Clayton Kershaw tonight.  After Pedro Ciriaco's coming out party last night, I am now expecting big things from him including multiple grand slams tonight.  Modest expectations.  I think we can also look forward to terrible ESPN replaying the inevitable one hit that Yasiel Puig will get tonight while overlooking his flailing four strikeouts.  At some point, the overwhelming media attention will get to Puig and he'll take the offramp to Slump City (or hopefully Being Thrown Down a Well City, CA). 

Clayton Kershaw has always pissed me off even though he seems like a perfectly nice dude.  Hopefully the Padres can tee off on his stupid lefthanded garbage pitches.  Here's a snapshot taken earlier today of Clayton:

Yasiel Puig Has New Toys! Go Padres!

During the Padres awesome winning streak, I found myself glued to the TV and to my seat at Petco Park, and totally blew off drawing dongs in MS Paint.  Luckily, I've found time to craft this gem of stupid, hated, overrated, ESPN darling (I consider this an insult) Yasiel Puig.  More importantly, as the Padres open a key series against the awful Dodgers, they send staff ace Jason Marquis to the mound to "mow down" the Doyers lineup with some 86 mph heat.  I'll be crushing brews and sitting politely in Section 305 tonight.

 

The Padres Jagoff twitter had a few milestones this week.  It has moved ahead of the Pals Podcast twitter with a whopping 34 followers.  A tweet was actually responded to by Tom Garfinkel (requesting less Smashmouth and more Third Eye Blind at retro night).  Almost 50% of the Padres Public crew is following us on Twitter now (I figure it will only be another 19 months until we get to the 75% figure).  Got two items into the Padres Public Matt Vasgersian chat, although I don't think he understood my tri-tip/Santa Maria wordplay.  And landed a ticket to Padres Social Media Night on July 9 to hold court and kiss up to Padres Public to add the blog to their circle of blog royalty.  Quite a week.

 

I also got into a Twitter debate with the Friarhood during some particularly slow innings of Padres baseball last week regarding who needed to be extended on the Padres.  The obvious one is Jedd Gyorko, some would argue Kyle Blanks if he keeps it up.  I believe Everth Cabrera is a high priority.  Not only are competent shortstops hard to find, especially for the Padres (remember Deivi Cruz) (how about Ramon Vazquez) (don't forget Rey Ordonez), but Everth is better than your average shortstop.  His gains this year have been primarily getting on base more and fielding better.  I believe his improved patience is a learned skill that will be less affected by performance fluctuations.  If he can get on base, he can steal bases, and add value on the basepaths.  As a Super 2, his price will be going up.  We may as well lock him in for a few extension years and solidify the position.  The system doesn't have many great prospects at the position.  Jace Peterson is a wild card that is years away from making the bigs.  Friarhood pointed out his decidedly mediocre years prior, but I honestly believe his time in the minors helped him develop the patience and the on-base skills he is showing this year. 

 

And now the Yasiel Puig dong MS Paint picture:

Delta Bravos. Also, Larry "Chipper" Jones is the worst. Go Padres.

As has been publicized for years now on the illustrious baseball blog, Go Mets Die Braves, the Braves are a terrible, terrible team that employs terrible, terrible players.  Now retired, none captures the terrible spirit of the braves more than one Larry Jones.  It makes me physically ill to think about Tom Garfinkel giving him a Padres surfboard last year on his self-indulgent retirement tour that he threw himself.  Now that Larry is gone, the Braves are still full of a bunch of human sewage like Dan Uggla and the stupid Upton Brothers.  I'll be holding court and booing the stupid Braves heartily at Tuesday's night game.  Here is a great photo to remember stupid Larry Jones by:

Sick of Yasiel Puig

It's been one day of media hype and I'm already sick of Yasiel Puig.  Maybe today Bud Black can actually put our top 3 hitters into the lineup and we can score more than one run against the stupid Doyers.

So Much Free Baseball - Padres lead assault against Canada

I can proudly say I stayed up to see the end of the game last night.  All 18 innings or whatever.  I might have dozed off for a half inning of Tim Stauffer pitching, I can't be sure.  But I made it.  The best part was that Clayton Richard finally found his hopefully permanent spot in the bullpen, meaning I get to see Robbie Erlin pitch at Petco tonight.  Well that was a good part, the actual best part was when Jesus Guzman was about to get drenched with frigid ice water by Everth Cabrera, grabbed Kelli Crull, and used her as a perfect human shield so he could remain relatively dry before accepting his free certificate from Robbins Family Jewelers later.  What a guy! 

Tonight we continue our relentless assault against the hordes of canucks that are invading dear Petco.  I'll be there crushing beers in 305. 

Here is last night's greatest moment captured.

Vedder Cup to Remain in San Diego FOREVER

With the victory last night, the Padres ensured that the vaunted Vedder Cup stays in its rightful home right here in San Diego.  That's a good thing since Felix Hernandez is pitching this afternoon which could spell disaster for the Padres.  Luckily, Andrew Cashner has been busy dressing the deer and actually gives us a shot to match up with King Felix.  I expect much beer to be drank at Petco today regardless of the on-field results.  By me.  In little under 2 hours from now.

Here is a celebratory, commemorative Vedder Cup 2013 MS Paint work of art to celebrate this great day.

Vedder Cup 2013

In the midst of Vedder Cup mania, and with Fox Sports San Diego mentioning it approximately 47,000 times tonight, thought it was time for Padres Jagoff to both throw their hat into the ring for Vedder Cup related art and pay homage to the classic Go Mets Die Braves blog.

Hey, Remember Jim Edmonds on the Padres?

Hey remember the old days when our awesome general manager at the time traded promising 3B prospect David Freese for less than 2 months of sub-mediocre performance by Jim Edmonds?  Then we cut Edmonds, he signed back with the Cardinals, and played about a billion times better than he did here.  Freese played some solid 3B with a lot of clutch hitting into the playoffs.  Meanwhile, the Padres were stuck with no power, mediocre fielding Chase Headley who would go on to hit 4 home runs.  I still remember all the complaining and blame gaming about how we could let a bonafide 3B go for basically nothing while we were stuck with a former prospect that will never pan out.  REMEMBER THOSE DAYS?!?!?!

A gold glove and near MVP campaign later, it's pretty clear that Headley is the better player.  He's showing major leadership on the team and backing it up with skills on the field and at the plate.  Freese?  Still a solid player.  But not an MVP caliber player like Headley.  To further analyze this point, I drew up the following hard hitting MATHEMATICAL analysis:

With mathematical analysis like that, it's pretty much an indisputable fact.  Like there are postulates that can be used in a proof that PROVE this analysis.  I'm glad we have Chase Headley on this team.  Also, Jim Edmonds was the worst.  Jim Edmonds made Adam Hyzdu look like a productive outfielder in comparison.

Gio Gonzalez? More like Gio Dongzalez! Amirite?!?!

After a thorough crushing last night, at least we can take solace in the fact that the stadium was really into the game which made it a little more fun.  Very different atmosphere than the Marlins games I went to last week.  Moreso, tonight is retro night.  Which means the team will be wearing brown.  Which is what they should be wearing every night.  It makes me physically ill to know the Padres are wearing the same colors as the Doyers on a nightly basis.  San Diego is all about the brown uniforms.  You think San Diego?  You think brown.  Just look at our hills right now.  Brown plants everywhere.  What do we love in our burritos?  Brown refried beans; black beans are for socialists.  And what do we want our baseball team to wear?  Brown. 

The team needs to look at designing a contemporary brown uniform.  As much as I'd love to see them go back to the 1984 or 1988 browns, I'd love it more if they came up with a new design with brown and yellow as the core colors.  Tom Garfinkel can still peddle the retro gear in the team shops and the team can still make all that sweet, sweet throwback revenue.  This, after all, is the reason the Chargers won't go back to the powder blues - they make too much money being able to sell powder blue throwbacks AND the current unis.  So, fine.  Let's see some new designs, lettering, etc. with brown.  Without making any judgement calls on this year's team's skill level and likely finish, we've gone through a lot of losing years around these parts.  If we're not going to be winning World Series titles, at least give us an attractive looking uniform to root for on the field and to sport in the stands and around town off the field. 

While we're at it, let's tee off on Gio Gonzalez.  He is a huge fan favorite in DC where he is known as a great Tweeter that sometimes gets desperate enough to try and land dates from his followers.  For the love of God, let's see Kyle Blanks in the lineup and see some awesome play from our retro clad team.

Nightmare Before Strasmas

Living in DC for a long time, I had first hand observation of the Strasburg hype once he hit the majors.  Strasmas as it was known.  One Tommy John surgery later, Strasburg isn't throwing in 3 digits anymore and he looks a lot more mortal this year.  Perfect for the POWERFUL Padres offense to pummel him tonight, which Padres Jagoff will be attending to witness the carnage in person.

It should be discussed how awesome the Padres offense is looking right now.  All of the bit pieces are contributing, and even without Carlos Quentin really providing much of anything, they are producing runs. At what point will Bud realize that Kyle Blanks will hit and field better than Quentin?  I understand we need an enforcer for brawls, but can't Carlos handle this duty from the dugout?  FREE KYLE BLANKS!

Padres to Continue Beat Down of America's Worst City

Baltimore is a terrible city.  Like really terrible.  It's not just the slums that The Wire show.  It's not the fact that if you walk 3 blocks off of the Inner Harbor you are liable to be knifed.  It's the terrible native Baltimoreans that truly believe their city is a great city - the greatest city.  Their slogan is "the city that reads".  BIG DEAL BALTIMORE!  We are America's Finest City.  With or without stupid reading.  People in Baltimore talk your ear off about how great Natty Boh beer and Utz chips are.  NEITHER ARE MADE IN BALTIMORE.  They aren't even made in Maryland.  Natty Boh is brewed in North Carolina and trucked into Baltimore so their 12 IQ residents can enjoy that swill.  Just a terrible place. 

Anyways, the Padres are set to thoroughly crush the stupid Orioles in their stupid stadium.  And it's a morning game!  The best kind because that means I can ignore my job and listen to the game. 

The Padres Jagoff Take on the Change the Padres Movement

When I first heard about the Change the Padres movement on the Darren Smith Show months ago, I was totally pumped.  Pumped that someone, in this case David Marver, was finally trying to raise expectations of the fan base of the Padres ownership.  That someone cared enough to painstakingly listen to hours and hours of old interviews to compile a pretty compelling documentary.  Pumped by the fact that the national media was picking up the story of the long suffering Padres fans.  Backed by facts, I thought Marver made some great points - mainly that the Padres ownership led by Jeff Moorad nickel and dimed their way to a huge windfall profit for themselves while Padres fans were left with a bargain basement, non-playoff team to root for.  Obviously, the formula isn't as easy as high payroll equals lots of wins.  Otherwise the sad sack Dodgers and Angels wouldn't be sitting in last place.  The awful, awful Washington Redskins would have 15 Super Bowls.  But, I also don't think anyone would argue that having better players, in general, will help a team have more wins, which is what I think Marver is trying to get at. 

At the same time, I think Change the Padres goes a little far.  First off, he complains about some of the past trades, and sure, I would have liked to have seen Adrian stay but not if the team was Adrian and nothing but league minimum players.  But no one really misses Ludwick, and I still think the Padres got the better of the Peavy trade.  Moreso, I don't think the boycott of games is the right way to do it.  We are fans of the Padres.  We like watching Padres games.  I don't know about Marver, but I enjoy going to the Padres games, and I don't intend on stopping going because I'm cross with Ron Fowler (which in general, I am).  The boycott won't change anything.  The team makes money regardless of his attendance thanks to revenue sharing, TV deals and MLB Advanced Media revenue.  There's a reason they are posting the highest operating income with mediocre attendance. 

The thing I don't get is the apparent hatred for Marver.  I check on the Tweeter and pretty much every game he is involved with a long string of back and forths with people calling him a bad fan, calling him out on hypocrisy, and nitpicking his statements.  From what I see David Marver is a good fan that just wants more from the team's management.  Tonight he was arguing about Yonder Alonso vs. Adrian Gonzalez.  I like both of them.  I think Yonder will improve and become a very decent 1B.  But I see a statement to @changethepadres that says something like "well is Adrian so much better that he'd be worth all the extra money?"  The answer is I don't care about the money.  It's not mine.  I'm not getting a taste of the Padres' profits.  I want the best players possible on the team so that they win the most games possible.  Debating whether a player fits the arbitrarily set budget isn't my concern.  Expect more from the ownership.  Obviously it's not my money, but from the fans' standpoint, we should be demanding more.  Whether that's in the form of a bigger budget by the most profitable team in baseball, or whether that's in a better gameday experience at Petco, EXPECT MORE. 

I think each of the Padres blogs has their niches.  Gaslamp Ball is relentlessly positive, which is great.  Padres Public is bringing an eclectic group of Padres fans together to provide a big variety of content, which is great.  The Friarhood is bringing in depth analysis and great in-person experiences, which is great.  And Change the Padres is bringing an activist viewpoint for fans to always expect more from the team, which is great.  After all, we are the customers.  We SHOULD be expecting more.  I had a MXN burrito for lunch and I expect more, like any customer of anything should.  And Padres Jagoff?  We are bringing the MS Paint dick jokes...

Norfmania

With Norf-mania sweeping San Diego, what better way to celebrate the Norf than by rehashing an old MS Paint bit from last season. Get it? Norf is firing off some super poops at the Marlins. Pew pew pew!

Cody Ransom is a Jerk

Not that I was ever hopeful for him succeeding on the Padres, but Cody Ransom did his best to make us Padres fans miss him. This, he was a shoo in for the Padres Jagoff treatment today. Edison Volquez is pitching tonight so it will be a good chance to break out the high gravity brews. Lets hope for some situational hitting that's slightly better than abysmal.

Padres Face Off Against Jeff Samardzinotgonnaworkhereanymore

After a glorious sweep of the poo poo Giants, the Padres head out to Chicago to face the hated Cubs. We can look forward to Kyle Blanks hitting infinity home runs off of the Cubs pitiful pitching staff. Here's Jeff Samardzija showing that his skills as catcher greatly outdo his skills as pitcher.

Super Cheater Ryan Braun in Town to be Pummeled

Ryan Braun doesn't get enough booing for how big of a steroid using, loophole using cheater that he is.  Luckily, we have our chance tonight against the hated Brewers.  Let's hope it goes better than last season when Braun hit 3 steroid aided bombs in a game against the Padres.  Let's also hope that the Padres score at least A SINGLE run this series. 

Padres to Decapitate Giants Tonight

Heartbreaking loss last night.  At this point, us Padres fans should be pretty desensitized to losses of all kinds, so whatever.  Worst case, we watch these losses, crush some high ABV San Diego craft beers alone on the couch, and then pass out until your dog wakes you up licking your face with smelly fish breath.  Ah the life of a Padres fan.  For tonight though, let's try to pair that solo binge drinking with a win over the Giants. 

Realistically, how can the Padres NOT sweep the Giants? Also, Madison Bumgarner is a butthead.

After a crushing sweep of the terrible Doyers, the Padres get ready to pound the stupid fartface Giants.  Clouded by controversy the past few weeks, the Padres are sending Edinson Volquez to the mound who really couldn't be any worse than he has been so far this season, so there's that to look forward to.  They are facing awful Madison Bumgarner, who was captured here in an off the record convo with Tim Lincecum:

Padres Win! Matt Kemp Is The Worst.

After a thrilling and crushing victory for the Padres last night, led by our newest power hitting star Eric Stults, the Padres can continue crushing the Dodgers and their weenie "star" Matt Kemp tonight.  It's good to see that Eric Stults is averaging more home runs for the season than Matt Kemp by a MATHEMATICALLY INFINITE AMOUNT.  Tonight our big dollar free agent acquisition, Jason Marquis, is taking the hill.  I actually think he is one of our top 2 starters at this point so let's hope for the best.  Today's Padres Jagoff captures Matt Kemp in a compromising act:

  


Are we that surprised after seeing his curated selection of this leather satchel to wear into a post-brawl fight in the parking lot?

Assuming Volquez Can Hit the Target, Padres Will Behead Rockies Tonight

Edinson Volquez pitched one of the single most impressive outings I've seen EVER last year when he threw his 1 hitter.  The stadium was as into it as a 14,000 person weekday night crowd could be.  It's those glimmers of hope that keep us Padres fans backing Eddy.  Let's hope he can turn around his putrid season tonight and literally and figuratively behead Carlos Gonzalez and the stupid butthead Rockies.

Padres to Crush Rockies: Troy Tulowitzki has a Special Talent

After last night's exciting and awesome display of Ron Swanson-esque manliness by Carlos Quentin, Clayton Richard, and the Padres in general (you know, except for winning the game), the Pads are getting ready to inevitably sweep the Rockies this weekend.  With Tyson Ross going tonight, it might not be a good time to hope for a starting pitcher to go longer than 5 innings, but there's first times for everything.  For tonight's game, Padres Jagoff is going back to the basics: dick jokes, MS Paint dongs (multiple!) and hated opposing team players.  A great time for pals!

New Petco Park Food/Beer. Beer Prices Hiked!

Opening day at Petco Park is always one of the most exciting days of the season. Not only is the place sold out, but the crowd is always super into the game, a little boozed up, and the atmosphere is usually electric. Tuesday's opening day was particularly excellent due to the Padres breaking form and winning... no... CRUSHING the stupid Dodgers. Sure Clayton Richard threw 100 pitches in innings and looked anything from dominant. Sure Carlos Quentin got hit by a pitch and had to leave the game like a little baby due to a bruise. But the Padres' bats came alive in the new era of shorter Petco fences.

Speaking of new stuff at Petco, as a season ticketholder, I know I will be at Petco about 35 times this season. Obviously, opening day is a blast, but sometimes those April night games when it's chilly outside, offense is curtailed by the sea air, and the Padres aren't playing well, it's nice to know there are some features at the Park that make the game more palatable. That's why I'm always so eager to see what new foods and beverages are being added to the Petco roster. I even nagged Tom Garfinkel about this with a question at the Season Ticketholder meeting earlier this year. Here's what I think about the changes at Petco:

HIGHER BEER PRICES - This was not announced beforehand by the Padres, nor have I seen it mentioned by any of the other Padres blogs or Twitters. The craft beer 24 ouncers are now $10.75, up 7.5% from last season. Since I am not a total pansy, I’ve never ordered the smaller size and am thus not sure what they cost last season, and whether there’s a price increase this season. 75 cents doesn’t seem like a huge increase, but multiplied out to the literally hundreds of beers that will be consumed this season, it adds up.

BALLAST POINT BEER GARDEN – I don’t think anything was met by more excitement than the new Ballast Point Beer Garden. Short review: it’s better than what we had there before, but I couldn’t help but feel underwhelmed by what was being offered here. Located behind the left field stands, the beer garden offers picnic tables, a dedicated food stand and an expanded offering of Ballast Point brews. Finally, Sculpin at the park! Unfortunately, besides Sculpin, I didn’t feel like the new additions were really that big a difference from last season. Ballast Point had always been available in the craft beer plaza behind home plate with various offerings including Wahoo Wheat, Pale Ale and Big Eye IPA. The plaza itself is cool, and was
definitely packed, but it would be much cooler if they’d convert the Budweiser Patio into the Ballast Point Beer Garden so you can actually see the game. Nothing against the Budweiser Patio, other than the terrible swill they are serving, but Ballast Point’s beer garden is
going to pull in way more people. Pricing on the cans was very high, and there is really no reason not to just get the 20 oz. Sculpin for a couple bucks more. Considering Sculpin can run 6-8 bucks at some bars, the $10.75 (the new large craft beer price) for 20 oz. isn’t too bad. A welcome addition for sure, but deserving of more prime real estate (can we get rid of the Kona Longboard lounge in LF and replace it with a San Diego connected brewer?!).

EL PUEBLO – As was reported here on Padres Jagoff, Cardiff’s El Pueblo taco shop is taking over for Cardiff’s Bull Taco this season. Unfortunately, their debut was incredibly underwhelming. Their slot
in the Mercado has no signage yet, and the only thing offered on their menu are carnitas and chicken burritos. Very disappointing. All I want is for San Diego’s cuisine to be represented at the park. To me, that is California burritos and fish tacos. Garfinkel, get on this.
To be fair, it might be the regular Padres food contractor doling out mediocre burritos until El Pueblo can properly take over. Who knows. All I know is this stuff should be taken care of BEFORE the season, not during. Bush league.

CRAFT BEER PLAZA – The craft beer plaza should be the crown jewel of the Petco food and beverage operations. As I mentioned to Tom Garfinkel during my question at the Season Ticket Holder meeting, it’s outrageous that the Padres keep forcing out of state breweries like
Widmer and Kona (same company) on us when there is a pleothara of San Diego breweries. How about a rotating brewery stand that changes every homestand? The Padres toyed with this late last season, positioning a cart at some games next to the stairs up from the Lolita’s gate. This was serving two different Manzanita brews, which were fantastic. The Ballast Point Beer Garden is a good addition to
the Petco craft beer ecosystem, but only adds a couple new beers to the total selection. The beers on offer in the craft beer plaza are exactly the same as last season. Some new variety would be nice and less Oregon and “Hawaiian” beers would be welcome.

Other than these, I wasn’t able to check out the new whiskey deck in RF, although I don’t anticipate it adding much other than additional group seating. The game experience was great, and the staff both at the food/drink stands and ushers were great as always. As I’ve mentioned before, it would be nice if the non-existent “members vote” involved some input into a rotating craft beer stand or a rotating
food stand, either of which would be serving some San Diego produced products.

Home Opener! Dodgers Hit the Golden Showers

To celebrate the long awaited home opener, we bring you our expert prediction via MS Paint illustration of today's game.  The Padres can't possibly start the season 1-6.  Right?  RIGHT?!?!  Let's hope Clayton Richard can gain somewhere between 5 and 25 miles per hour back on his fastball compared to his last start.  Padres Jagoff will be in attendance at this inevitable Padres victory.

Dexter Fowler - Glory Hole Addict

As long as the Padres want to continue this silly charade of not playing winning baseball, we here at Padres Jagoff can keep harassing the opposing team via MS Paint dick jokes.  Dexter Fowler has been a particular thorn in the Padres side, especially when I think about he is pretty much what we wish Cameron Maybin would be.  It's unfortunate that Fowler loses focus during innings when he starts thinking about the notorious center field glory hole at Coors Field.

For Serious - Padres Season Ticket Holders... Sorry, "Members"... Totally Boned

Putting the MS Paint dick jokes on hold for a second, I think it's important to discuss an important issue facing the Padres.

I saw some recent discussion on Padres Public and in the Friarhood chat rooms yesterday regarding the Padres moves to switch season ticket holders' seats out of their designated days and into, many times, inferior seats.  This all bubbled to the surface due to a KGTV article about it, along with some drama queen comments within the article from a season ticket holder that is so "disgusted" that she is going to pass out fliers to dissuade people from buying tickets.  I am a Padres fanatic, rarely miss a game, and have lived through this team's travails for several decades now.  I am also a season ticket holder.  In fact, after last year's disappointing season, I actually upgraded my package to a half season package.  I am one of the half season B plan "members" that had their Saturday seats swiped from them and reassigned to Sunday, while also moving my normal front row location in Section 305 to the fifth row, a major downgrade in my opinion.  They moved my opening day seat back a row also, which is actually equally as infuriating because that is a game I actually want to go to. 

In the short term, I can see the business sense of what the Padres are doing.  By moving me to Sunday, moving A plan holders to Monday, the Padres can now sell more seats at the "dynamic" higher price due to assumed high demand.  So yay.  A short term revenue gain for the team.  Not sure how this benefits me, the person that has invested a significant amount of money and time into season tickets, and thus the team.  But good for the 2013 fiscal year results, I guess.  But is this really what the team wants to do?  Alienate those that are investing so much time attending the games, money purchasing season tickets, beer and food, and those that are clearly among the most fervent of fans?  Especially coming off of a relatively lackluster season, and not going to lie, probably heading into a relatively lackluster season (but let's hope not...). 

In my opinion Tom Garfinkel's response was lackluster.  I wasn't among the group that was surprised by this policy.  Anyone that looked at their schedule months ago would have seen the change.  The Padres emailed a notice that STH could buy "up to six tickets for each Yankees game."  Great, right?  Except, this is what we should have been able to do anyways.  It's what we can do for every other game, and in my opinion, shouldn't be any different for a series against the Yankees.  So I don't see a net positive in that "concession" made by the Padres sales department.  If I had cared at all about the Yankees series (which I don't), I'd be furious.  I ended up trading my Sunday Yankees game for an additional Saturday night ticket for a game we had a ticket for already.  Unfortunately for the A plan member,s, they are screwed harder.  The Padres allow a weekend for weekend ticket trade, or a weekday for weekday ticket trade.  The A planners lost a weekend, Sunday game, and gained a weekday ticket.  They don't have an easy trade path to trade their new Monday night ticket for the Yankees Saturday night game, like me, the B planner, could have done. 

Outside of the nuts and bolts issues related to swapping tickets to try and see an inevitably underwhelming series against the stupid, overrated Yankees, it's just a total lack of respect for those that have invested so much into the team.  I'd say it's an uncharacteristically tone deaf move by Tom Garfinkel and the front office, whom I feel generally do a good job of improving the STH program and the gameday experience.  This is especially true when the Change the Padres movement is gaining traction and media exposure, and a new ownership is supposedly trying to show the community that they aren't just treating the Padres as another private equity acquisition (Seidler Equity Partners) that they will wring profits and value out of before setting them adrift Jeffrey Loria style. 

As long as we're covering the season ticket holders getting boned, there are a few small, nagging issues that need to be addressed:

1.  Season ticket holders were promised an "annual members vote" at the season ticket holders meeting.  This was supposed to be an issue of substance, where "members voices can be heard".  I never believed the vote would be for anything binding (although that would be nice), but the front office didn't even try.  As soon as the crowd questions were asked at the meeting, everyone was dismissed to run around the field (which was awesome), with no vote held.  The power of the members via democratic vote was never to be felt.  Now, I fear it will be forgotten and will be chalked up to another "broken promise" people will inevitably harp on.  But imagine the potential for this.  Possible voting issues that the Padres could actually institute policy based off of their members popular vote: getting rid of Widmer and Kona beer booths and replacing them with more San Diego craft brews, voting on which beers to carry on tap at the craft beer plaza behind home plate, a specialty food item to be offered monthly/quarterly/season/whatever.  Obviously, they aren't going to allow "members" to vote on baseball decisions or personnel decisions, but I'd be happy voting on gameday experience type issues.  Very happy.

2.  Understanding there are issues getting season tickets printed and whatnot, it is outrageous that we didn't receive our tickets until this week, AFTER Opening Day.  Especially after numerous e-mails from account specialists saying we'd have them last week.  Why couldn't we get them a month ago?  I reupped LAST SEPTEMBER.  Why's it matter?  I tend to trade out a lot of my tickets for either additional seats I'm going to, or other games when I have a trip or vacation planned for a day a game falls on.  Had the online account management system been functional and loaded with our tickets weeks ago, I could have done this online.  Alas, with the season already started, the trading function is still inoperable.  To do a series of trades, you really need the tickets in hand to efficiently get it done at the box office.  Instead of getting their most valued customers their merchandise in a prompt fashion, I received them after Opening Day, shipped to my house after requesting THREE TIMES that they be held at Will Call so I didn't lose a day of ticket sales to make my trading even more difficult than it already is.  As a result, I was unable to add a ticket next to my seats for all April and May games because seats had been sold already.  Thanks for looking out for me Padres sales department.

Now that I got this off my chest, hopefully it spurs some discussion and helps Padres "members" to receive better service and benefits for their substantial investments.  On the bright side, I still get to go to a ton of Padres games, which is obviously awesome.  But it'd be nice if the "member" thing actually meant we were valued and that our voices were heard by the Padres.  Regardless of the actual service issued by them (which is overall good I think), the fact that we are even talking about it means that the Padres have failed.

Todd Helton Gets Iced... with PEEN

This picture was almost too easy.  With the crushing Padres victory yesterday, it's time for our BIG FREE AGENT ACQUISITION to show he's worth all those millios.  Jason Marquis will undoubtedly mow down the putrid Rockies lineup with his blazing mid-80s heat.  I'm also going to go ahead and make a conservative prediction that Yonder Alonso hits 85 billion home runs in Denver this weekend. 

*FART* Matt Harvey *FART*

The Padres hope to get on pace to an 81-81 record today against stupid buttface Matt Harvey and the putrid Mets. Watch out though, Matt Harvey pitches with some gas!

TOTAL EXCLUSIVE: New Grub at Petco: EL PUEBLO

As a season ticket holder, wait... sorry... a MEMBER, I obsess over the food options at Petco.  I nagged last season about why, oh why, the Padres would tease us with a Lucha Libre graphic in the April program, and then cruelly yank it away with no explanation from ol' Tommy Garfinkel.  I actually got a question approved at the season ticket holder meeting a few months ago at Petco where I asked about why we can't have less Oregonian and Hawaiian beers and more San Diego brews.  I also asked why the food isn't indicative of San Diego, specifically since Rubio's got booted out of Petco.  I get it, Filippis and Phils BBQ and Hodad's are great San Diego joints, but pizza, barbeque and burgers is not what people think when they think San Diego.  Conventioneers and tourists want a taste of San Diego when they visit the ballpark, and when I have a guest visiting, all they really want is a fish taco.  Bull Taco last season was a nice experiment, but the lack of burrito options and the quirkiness of a lobster, bacon and chorizo taco was just not what I was looking for.  As a result, Lolita's and Valentine's got much of my business.  Luckily, this year, in a semi-exclusive except the U-T is about to publish it also, EL PUEBLO, another awesome taco joint from Cardiff is stepping in to fill Bull Taco's shoes.  I have no clue what is on their Petco menu, but come on, knowing El Pueblo, there have to be fish tacos on it.  And a California burrito.  And rolled tacos with guac.  Those items alone would sufficiently represent San Diego to go along with the upcoming Ballast Point Beer Garden.

So, Tom Garfinkel, you are coming through so far.  But don't go getting complacent.  Padres Jagoff is watching you, and don't think you're too high and mighty to get MS Paint'd.

That Didn't Go Well...

The season started with a thud, but hey, Yonder Alonso home run! I've got a feeling he is going to have a huge year. Meanwhile, big stupidface Jon Niese and world class dicklick Collin Cowgill are too busy shopping to realize the Padres are bringing out the big gun tomorrow to throw some high 80s southpaw heat.

Opening Day vs Jon Niese the Pe-niese

In honor of opening day, Padres Jagoff is making a triumphant return. The Padres are facing the sad sack Mets this morning, led by relative unknown Jon Niese. As this exclusive photo shows, win or lose, Jon Niese can always enjoy a nice spurt to the face to relax after his inevitable shelling by the "potent" Padres lineup.