Delta Bravos. Also, Larry "Chipper" Jones is the worst. Go Padres.

As has been publicized for years now on the illustrious baseball blog, Go Mets Die Braves, the Braves are a terrible, terrible team that employs terrible, terrible players.  Now retired, none captures the terrible spirit of the braves more than one Larry Jones.  It makes me physically ill to think about Tom Garfinkel giving him a Padres surfboard last year on his self-indulgent retirement tour that he threw himself.  Now that Larry is gone, the Braves are still full of a bunch of human sewage like Dan Uggla and the stupid Upton Brothers.  I'll be holding court and booing the stupid Braves heartily at Tuesday's night game.  Here is a great photo to remember stupid Larry Jones by:

Sick of Yasiel Puig

It's been one day of media hype and I'm already sick of Yasiel Puig.  Maybe today Bud Black can actually put our top 3 hitters into the lineup and we can score more than one run against the stupid Doyers.

So Much Free Baseball - Padres lead assault against Canada

I can proudly say I stayed up to see the end of the game last night.  All 18 innings or whatever.  I might have dozed off for a half inning of Tim Stauffer pitching, I can't be sure.  But I made it.  The best part was that Clayton Richard finally found his hopefully permanent spot in the bullpen, meaning I get to see Robbie Erlin pitch at Petco tonight.  Well that was a good part, the actual best part was when Jesus Guzman was about to get drenched with frigid ice water by Everth Cabrera, grabbed Kelli Crull, and used her as a perfect human shield so he could remain relatively dry before accepting his free certificate from Robbins Family Jewelers later.  What a guy! 

Tonight we continue our relentless assault against the hordes of canucks that are invading dear Petco.  I'll be there crushing beers in 305. 

Here is last night's greatest moment captured.

Vedder Cup to Remain in San Diego FOREVER

With the victory last night, the Padres ensured that the vaunted Vedder Cup stays in its rightful home right here in San Diego.  That's a good thing since Felix Hernandez is pitching this afternoon which could spell disaster for the Padres.  Luckily, Andrew Cashner has been busy dressing the deer and actually gives us a shot to match up with King Felix.  I expect much beer to be drank at Petco today regardless of the on-field results.  By me.  In little under 2 hours from now.

Here is a celebratory, commemorative Vedder Cup 2013 MS Paint work of art to celebrate this great day.

Vedder Cup 2013

In the midst of Vedder Cup mania, and with Fox Sports San Diego mentioning it approximately 47,000 times tonight, thought it was time for Padres Jagoff to both throw their hat into the ring for Vedder Cup related art and pay homage to the classic Go Mets Die Braves blog.

Hey, Remember Jim Edmonds on the Padres?

Hey remember the old days when our awesome general manager at the time traded promising 3B prospect David Freese for less than 2 months of sub-mediocre performance by Jim Edmonds?  Then we cut Edmonds, he signed back with the Cardinals, and played about a billion times better than he did here.  Freese played some solid 3B with a lot of clutch hitting into the playoffs.  Meanwhile, the Padres were stuck with no power, mediocre fielding Chase Headley who would go on to hit 4 home runs.  I still remember all the complaining and blame gaming about how we could let a bonafide 3B go for basically nothing while we were stuck with a former prospect that will never pan out.  REMEMBER THOSE DAYS?!?!?!

A gold glove and near MVP campaign later, it's pretty clear that Headley is the better player.  He's showing major leadership on the team and backing it up with skills on the field and at the plate.  Freese?  Still a solid player.  But not an MVP caliber player like Headley.  To further analyze this point, I drew up the following hard hitting MATHEMATICAL analysis:

With mathematical analysis like that, it's pretty much an indisputable fact.  Like there are postulates that can be used in a proof that PROVE this analysis.  I'm glad we have Chase Headley on this team.  Also, Jim Edmonds was the worst.  Jim Edmonds made Adam Hyzdu look like a productive outfielder in comparison.

Gio Gonzalez? More like Gio Dongzalez! Amirite?!?!

After a thorough crushing last night, at least we can take solace in the fact that the stadium was really into the game which made it a little more fun.  Very different atmosphere than the Marlins games I went to last week.  Moreso, tonight is retro night.  Which means the team will be wearing brown.  Which is what they should be wearing every night.  It makes me physically ill to know the Padres are wearing the same colors as the Doyers on a nightly basis.  San Diego is all about the brown uniforms.  You think San Diego?  You think brown.  Just look at our hills right now.  Brown plants everywhere.  What do we love in our burritos?  Brown refried beans; black beans are for socialists.  And what do we want our baseball team to wear?  Brown. 

The team needs to look at designing a contemporary brown uniform.  As much as I'd love to see them go back to the 1984 or 1988 browns, I'd love it more if they came up with a new design with brown and yellow as the core colors.  Tom Garfinkel can still peddle the retro gear in the team shops and the team can still make all that sweet, sweet throwback revenue.  This, after all, is the reason the Chargers won't go back to the powder blues - they make too much money being able to sell powder blue throwbacks AND the current unis.  So, fine.  Let's see some new designs, lettering, etc. with brown.  Without making any judgement calls on this year's team's skill level and likely finish, we've gone through a lot of losing years around these parts.  If we're not going to be winning World Series titles, at least give us an attractive looking uniform to root for on the field and to sport in the stands and around town off the field. 

While we're at it, let's tee off on Gio Gonzalez.  He is a huge fan favorite in DC where he is known as a great Tweeter that sometimes gets desperate enough to try and land dates from his followers.  For the love of God, let's see Kyle Blanks in the lineup and see some awesome play from our retro clad team.