Jayson Werth is thirsty!

The Padres are playing the Nats this week - the 1st place Nats - though I'd never say that after watching the Nats in DC since they moved there in 2005.  Despite our 2 game winning streak, Gio Gonzalez just blew through our lineup, striking out pretty much everyone.  Meanwhile, Clayton Richard looked decent until he had his requisite blow up inning and gave up two runs, an INSURMOUNTABLE deficit with this year's Padres.  And we are stuck listening to Andy Masur on FSSD.  It doesn't get worse.  Can we trade Mark Kotsay for Matt Vasgersian?  I'd be willing to throw in O-dog also. 

Jayson Werth is my favorite player to hate, going back to his Doyer days.  He does get awfully thirsty when he's bathing in the Southern California sun, although personally, I prefer a nice brewdog to quench the thirst when it's nice out.

Todd Helton Has A Secret Talent! Padres win!

As the Padres head to Colorado after a tough weekend where they continually got crushed, struck out, lost in mind boggling fashion, and in general destroyed fan confidence, we can only hope for better as fans.  Luckily, they might be able to actually hit in Colorado.  Tonight, the Padres had 14 hits, crushed a few doubles, and Cory Luebke shut down the Rockies lineup and helped my fantasy team.  All in all, a great win.  Considering how crappy the loss was last night, I think bouncing back is a testament to Bud's managing. 

Of course, when the Padres play Colorado, they need to beware of Todd Helton.  As this photo shows, he's got a voracious appetite for peen.  Padres batters need to be award of Helton's grabby hands at first base also.  Word has it that he is handsy.

Getting Crushed is Fun!

I guess if the Padres are going to lose and get swept by the Dodgers, they may as well do it in the most crushing, embarassing way possible.  Extra points if it's in such a weird way that Sportscenter picks up the play to use a billion times.  Without getting into the debate about what umpire Dale Scott did by waving his arms the way he did (clearly it's the universal signal for deadball), it's still crazy the the Padres, with men on 1st and 2nd and no out, found the one possible way to blow the rally in spectacular fashion.  Anyways, Bud Black got kicked out of the game for arguing.  Padres Jagoff captured EXCLUSIVE dialogue with Bud and Dale Scott.  In the end, Bud was the man.  Like always.

WHERE ARE LUCHA LIBRE TACOS IN PETCO?!?!?!?!?

I'll be attending this game - IN PERSON - so I'm hoping the Padres put on a good show.  One thing's been bothering me about Petco Park as I explore all of my food options.  The little free program you get when you walk in has an article about all the new local options you can get - things like Hodad's and Ballast Point.  It also says that Lucha Libre Taco Shop is available somewhere in Petco, BUT WHERE?!  I've searched the Google everywhere and can't find anything.  Was the original plan to get Lucha Libre and they settled for Bull Taco?  Why can't I get a surf and turf burrito anywhere in the stadium?  And why did they get rid of Rubio's in the Mercado?!  I need my shrimp burrito at my seat!  And why the lack of burrito options in general?  Tacos are fine, but burritos are more filling, easier to eat on the go, and just fantastic in general.  Does anyone know where this mythical Lucha Libre is in Petco?  Or is Garfinkel just getting my hopes up for nothing? 

Anyways, Ian Kennedy is pitching.  Hope we decapitate him tonight.  On top of that, Padres Jagoff spies in an EXCLUSIVE captured the below convo involving Ian Kennedy.  He's really operating on the down low! 

Plop plop! Take that D-backs

Yes, Chris Denorfia literally defecated on the D-backs with his 8th inning homer.  Literally excreted feces right on their heads.  The D-backs had to shower off from the sweat of playing the game, but also to wash off the stench of the solid waste that Denorfia smeared all over them.  Also he loves dogs!

Dodgers Fans Hate the Handicapped

Obviously the Padres and Dodgers have an awesome rivalry, capped off by the time in 1996 when the Padres swept the Dodgers at the end of the season to steal the division title and go on to be swept by the Cardinals in the 1st round of the playoffs.  Up in the 300 sections, the Doyers fans were vocal as always.  The best part was when a poor guy with one foot in a walking cast and armed with a crutch tried to go up the 25 stairs to his seat in the middle of section 303.  The Dodgers fans started chanting "Tiny Tim!  Tiny Tim!  Tiny Time" as this poor guy was struggling up one stair at a time.  I felt bad for him, but I also like laughing at other people's misfortune so I had a good guffaw at his expense.  Good times.

Padres vs. Diamondbacks - Chris Young's Secret

After a terrible start to the season against the Dodgers, the Padres host the Diamondbacks starting Tuesday.  I've got a ticket to Thursday's game which should be epic.  After going on Saturday night, I've got to say - no one loses in a more boring fashion than the Padres.  No one scores 5 runs in a more boring fashion than the Padres.  If you want to watch a team that can't hit, and has a 5 run inning with two hits, 3 walks and a hit by pitch, this is the team!  Just brutal.  Hopefully Dustin Mosely recovers and his arm doesn't fall off, but his history is really pointing towards being a one armed man at some point.

On that note, let's hope Chris Young keeps worrying about his postgame activities instead of further crushing Cory Luebke's ERA (for my fantasy team's sake).

Hello world! Time for Padres dick jokes!

In my second try at doing Padres Jagoff, I now have oodles of spare time to devote to the blog and the associated Padres related dick jokes.  The Padres blogosphere is already vast with humorous analysis being done at Gaslamp Ball, hard hitting minor league coverage being done at The Friarhood, San Diego craft beer and baseball related commentary being done at RJ's Fro, etc.  But the one area that is tragically undercovered is Padres related dick jokes and MS Paint illustrations.  That's where Padres Jagoff comes in.  And now that I'm a partial season ticket holder, I'll be a party to plenty of inspiration.