The Rally Unicorn Comes Through! The legend grows...

In an auspicious debut, the remorseless slaughtering machine Rally Unicorn (tm) came through in the clutch, rallying a Yonder Alonso lead off walk in the ninth, followed by a Denorfia two run game winning bomb.  While Norf should get some credit (I estimate 12-13% of the credit), the Rally Unicorn deserves the lions share of the glory for its brave and fearless rallying.  Cheers to you Rally Unicorn!  Lets hope the Padres don't need the Rally Unicorn tonight and just pummel Mat Latos.

Mat Latos seemed like a nice guy but now that he's on the Reds I can hope for him to be totally humiliated on the mound.  One plus, other than totally winning that trade, is that our announcers use the word "precocious" 99% less to describe our players.  Anyways, here's Mat getting jizzed on:

Padres Face Off Against Hardened Criminal Mike Leake

After a thrilling series victory over the hated D-backs, the Padres FINALLY come home to crush the Reds.  I don't have any strong feelings against the Reds but I do hope the Padres eviscerate them and then defecate on their lifeless bodies.  Go Padres!

Pitching for the Reds tonight is noted felon Mike Leake who enjoys shoplifting in his spare time.  The Padres Jagoff team caught him in the act in quite possibly the masterwork of my dick drawing career.  Also, lets hope for a win, but as a consolation if the Padres are losing, I drew an updated Rally Unicorn to be deployed against the dumb Reds.

Patrick Corbin is Overrated. Padres Go for Series Win.

Actually, I have no idea if Patrick Corbin is overrated.  He pretty easily dispatched the Padres last time he faced them.  Plus, he seems to pretty easily dispatch most of the league.  Regardless, we have new SECRET WEAPON Tyson Ross going today. His high 90's fastball is dazzling all of us.  Maybe once he decides to cut out 3-4 mph off his fastball and start hitting home runs like Andrew Cashner, we'll really be cooking with gas with him.  Or maybe he can just put it together.  Either way, I'd rather watch Tyson Ross than Jason Marquis pitch.

In the meantime, here's Patrick Corbin getting blasted in the face which of course he'll be doing metaphorically as well today by the deadly Padres lineup.  And keep an eye out for the reincarnated Rally Unicorn if the Padres need it today.  I mean, I hope they don't but I drew it as being Vs. Diamondbacks specific.  Just saying.

Skin the Diamondbacks

So last nights game against Randall Delgado didn't go according to plan.  Tonight will be different against stupid Tyler Skaggs. I'm hoping the Padres will be in position for a rally so I can do a big reveal of the prototype renewed Rally Unicorn (tm) I drew yesterday.  

In the meantime here's a great photo of Tyler Skaggs ball fondling Giants "great" Matt Williams.

After Summer Hiatus, Padres Jagoff is Back. AND Social Media Night Recap from 3 Weeks Ago.

After a brief summer hiatus, Padres Jagoff is back to provide plenty of dick pics.  A lot happened during the hiatus, including Padres Jagoff's big debut to the Padres blogosphere at Social Media Night.  It was a pleasure meeting the Padres Public crew, specifically Sacrifice Bunt Melvin.  I also may have accidentally stirred up some hard feelings by telling John Gennaro that I really liked him on the old Friarhood podcasts he did with Steve Adler I used to listen to while living in DC.  Apparently I missed some exciting Gennaro/Adler drama postgame.  Oh well.  Sac Bunt Melvin was surprised that I had been reading his stuff for years, apparently unaware of the complete dearth of Padres coverage while living on the east coast which would lead me to read any and all Padres blogs.  Super nice dude also.  One of the real highlights was meeting the legend himself, Jbox, of Gaslamp Ball fame.  I first accused Jon from Gaslamp Ball of being the secretive Jbox, because really, what do I know.  After vetting me first and running my credentials, Jon invited me over to Jbox's exclusive table to meet the godfather of Padres blogging.  After shaking hands and sharing a few yuks about dick jokes, chatting about the loss of the GLB mentor Tom Garfinkel, and lamenting the recent Padres struggles, we got into my push to bring back the Rally Unicorn (tm), which served as a rallying cry for Padres fans across the nation.  I discussed how the posting of the Rally Unicorn (tm) in the game chats on GLB would bring a tear to my eye back in the day and promised to draw up a prototype for the 2013 incarnation of the Rally Unicorn (tm).  I'll get to that sometime.  I also impressed Jbox with my story of walking up to the Asian guy with glasses in a Padres jersey at Social Media Night and thinking he was Dex.  THAT'S RAYCESS.  All in all, from the 6 minutes we chatted, I think Jbox and Padres Jagoff are well on our way to being best pals forever. 

After scouring the Padres blogs the next morning for Social Media Night recaps, I was thrilled to see Gaslamp Ball included a nice paragraph about our meeting, with a picture of my miniature dachshund pooping in front of the Rockies dugout during the doggy parade before the game.  Unfortunately, it appears that BIG SPORTS BLOG has forced GLB to remove all mention of Padres Jagoff and my prowess drawing genitalia in MS Paint.  The Man wins again.

Anyways, the Padres are winning kind of again.  It was only the Brewers, but we are headed into a tough stretch that will hopefully see the team at least hold their own.  Nothing would be better than pounding the stupid Yankees and their blowhard fans.  Tonight, the Padres are taking on poo poo Randall Delgado.  Here's a quick pic of his newest pitch - part javelin, part dildo, all business.

Keep the Winning Going

After an awesome time at the Padres Social Media night, I got too lazy to write a nice wrap up.  I'll get it tomorrow.  Maybe.  Regardless, it was a pleasure to meet the whole Padres Public crew, Friarhood Steve, Jbox and Jon from Gaslamp Ball, and the random Asian guy in a Gwynn jersey who I accused of being Dex.  THAT'S RAYCESS!  Instead of writing that wrap-up, I drew this picture of Kyle Blanks beheading Michael Cuddyer before the Padres get up to a TWO game winning streak tonight.  Andrew Cashner is pitching so we can expect much deer dressing. 

A New Padres Regime

When Tom Garfinkel took power, he was a complete opposite of the previous Alderson management regime.  Alderson was a baseball guy, trying to use his experience with Moneyball to build a quality product on the field for not much money.  His public interviews and image were gruff and standoffish, while the off field game experience was lackluster.  Garfinkel was a gameday experience kind of guy who got elevated to President.  He was a marketing guru with little to no baseball operations experience.  Predictably, the gameday experience is light years ahead of where it was under Alderson.  Garfinkel was accessible, responsive, social media savvy, and dare I say it, beloved by many fans.  I liked Garfinkel, but think his hiring by Moorad was indicative that that ownership group hoped to improve the gameday experience and take the focus off the minuscule budget and mediocre infield product.  After all, improving beer selection is a lot cheaper than signing a top free agent.  

The firing/resignation of Garfinkel is sad for many, especially the chosen bloggers that have been dining on the free bennies trough, but also by those that care about gameday experience.  It also builds hope that the pendulum might swing towards a new President that has a little more away over baseball operations, bringing more of a focus to this team winning.  I'd like to someone somewhere between Alderson and Garfinkel on the spectrum.  As far as specific hopes for the future, lets hope for:

1. A renewed focus on branding, specifically bringing back the brown.  Bringing back brown to the color scheme is critical for the Padres to differentiate themselves and build brand loyalty.

2.  Put Dick Enberg out to pasture.  Bring back Mel Proctor.  

3.  Don't allow Fowler to screw up the beer selection.

4.  Don't allow Fowler to screw up everything.

In the interim, I think we can all agree that Ron Fowler, on his first day on the job, is now the most unpopular team president in recent history.  

Let's Try Not To Get Blown Out Tonight

After last nights embarassing loss, I was reminded that there are not very many Padres fans in DC.  I counted 2 other Padres fans in the hoity toity PNC Diamond Club, although one middle aged Asian man in a Padres T-shirt was also shamefully wearing a Nationals hat also, so I'm not sure if he should be counted.  I counted one other Padres fan walking around the main concourse.  Oh well.  We will be proudly displaying our Padres gear at today's sweltering game to the other four Padres fans at the game.  Go Padres.

Here is Nationals brass and jerk fave Jordan Zimmermann frotting:

Bryce Harper in a Sticky Situation

After a totally crushing couple of weeks for the Padres, they head to DC to take on the overrated Nationals.  The Padres have an outstanding record historically at DC, which can only be helped by Padres Jagoff making a weekend of it and watching the series IN PERSON.  Everth is back which can only help, but we will miss the Pedro Ciriaco wordplay.  

Here's Bryce Harper with a huge dick, utilizing some cutting edge technology discovered by Padres Jagoff last night.